Confide

Other people's feelings usually do not cause an impact on me.
The world is so full of experiences, existences, etc., that I end up accepting that I haven't seen much of it, or much of its people and emotions.

That is not the case when I know someone who has been through an traumatic experience.
In this situation, it's almost like I naturally borrow the feeling (or, at least, my interpretation of it), I hurt, I ache.

"Inside a silence filled with words,
Hollowness grows.
And though they are two,
Only one knows.

Less dramatic than traumatic,
A voice feels lost.
It's sudden, almost automatic,
An awareness unlike most.

It's only me,
Lost in a whirlwind,
I don't need to hide.
It used to be you,
One of very few,
In whom I (used to) confide.

And even if I smile,
While I mention the pain.
After a while,
It just pounds my brain.

The indifference you wore,
Should never be there.
I have been here before,
I should be aware.

It's only me,
Lost in a cloud,
I don't need to hide.
It used to be us,
Laughing out loud,
In whom we (both) confide.

[ musical interlude ]

And every now and then,
My pillow and I alone know what I feel...
And I don't know how or when,
I look for no one as I hurt and heal...
And to my own surprise,
I hope my face does not reveal, 
That as I close my teary eyes,
I feel the pain... unreal, surreal..."

- in "Confide", after listening to a familiar voice showing 5 different emotions in 5 different smiles

You don't know it's a dream

Dreams are dissociated with reality but, sometimes, they touch reality with the tiniest details that cause you enough doubt to think "didn't that really happen?" or feel "this was sooooo real!" just after you wake up.

"You don't know it's a dream, as I enter the room.
It's not just as it seems, I think, I presume.
As I take my seat,
I don't know it either,
We both feel the heat,
A desire that won't wither.

Someone's there, and I look away.
You get distracted, distressed, astray.
As I return to the room I've left,
You're nowhere to be found.
My mind, in absolute unrest,
Finds you, somehow.

With a fainting strength I can't command (absence of control),
Your hands, trembling... your face, unseamed.
As I stretch my arm and give you my hand (and my all),
You don't know it's a dream."

- in "You Don't Know It's a Dream", written in the middle of the night

Together Alone

These days, we need to cultivate distance. Physical distance to the ones we love, the ones we care about, the ones who makes us happy, the ones who makes us laugh.
The world is a strange place to be in now.

"I could see you everyday, but now's not the time to.
I won't push you away, but it feels like so.
But you can't cope with distance... like an obsession.
Now that we drift apart... you seem to question.

You don't think of the future, everything is now.
But this separation will pay off in the long run.
Yet you don't seem to care... in your own reason,
It's just another day under the sun.

This world is a strange place to be in today.
Our words can't express what our eyes say.
Your smile in my mind is the inspiration I look for,
It's more than nothing... so much more.

No matter the distance, together or alone,
In you, the strength my souls feeds on,
As time slowly passes, we begin to grasp...
The herculean mission we will take upon."

- in "Together Alone", a friends' challenge, after a video call.

Within Me

Talking about life with a friend a couple of weeks ago, about life, about loneliness (self imposed or not), relationships, and also that feeling of helpless anger regarding world politics solely based on the economy and with little to no respect for nature and the human kind itself.
Then, the coronavirus situation takes over... and it becomes almost too easy to draw a parallel.

"It's so late that it's early morning...
Thoughts flood my troubled mind.
I know I'm here by my own decision,
Peace is what I can't seem to find.
And I stay...
Still astray.

It's not my fate to find no destiny...
I have no faith other than in myself.
I know I lose myself alone in thoughts,
But I don't find company in no one else.
And I stay...
Far and away.

I won't tread new fields... (for now)
I'm confined to these 4 walls, you see.
Unrevealed, concealed (somehow)
Inside my own prison, within me.

It's the time to silently plan and act...
For there is much to prepare for.
I know I won't waste time with anger,
As I feel the urge to enter that stage door.
Unlike today...
I won't stay .

I won't tread new fields... (for now)
I'm confined to these 4 walls, you see.
Unrevealed, concealed (somehow)
Inside my own prison, within me.

After the storm goes away...
When reason prevails...

I will tread new fields... (that day)
I'll break free of these walls, you see.
Revealed, once free (someday)
Outside in the open, as ever within me."

- in "Within Me", a double-entendre composition

Wounds and Scars

I want to write and perform with other people.
In music, in life.

It is interesting that I tend to create a personal connection with musicians with whom I discuss quotidian life. The way we approach problems, the way we see life, the way we relate to others, there always seem to be a common ground.

Last weekend, I laid the idea for this one, a very simple (and catchy) melodic vocal phrase.
For me, it is very rare to start a song with a vocal phrase, but the whole day was inspiring, from the musical point of view… maybe that caused something to happen, as it is very rare for me to have a (musical) creative spark before everyone’s asleep.

So, I just pointed the cellphone camera at myself, and started singing and playing.

“My life is just about to start… and I’m learning to dream,
You see these wounds and scars… and they're not what they seem.
‘Cos I’ve been in love and war before,
And I’ve seen what I don’t want anymore.

In due time, I felt the creative spark… and I want you to know,
(That) this life is no work of art… and I’m willing to show.
That I want to breathe life into you,
And I want to feel that same way too.

When I dream life and I find you,
Your bright eyes (...).

Some wounds and scars may not have remedies,
Yet some of the worst ideas resulted in the best memories,
I knew then as I know now,
That the dreams will happen somehow.

When I breathe life into you,
You breathe your life into me too.”

- in "Wounds and Scars", after a birthday conversation

Two worlds... and us two

"There was a time when I cared...
...for other people's opinions,
...for what everyone would say,
...but that is no more.

It's a changing world we live in,
Almost like two worlds, for you and me.
You don't know where I've been,
I didn't open my world for you to see.
That will change...
Some day.

I see the struggles you go through,
From a distance, I hope and pray for the best,
When will there be time for a "me and you"?
When will we find time for our heads to rest?
The game will change...
One day.

"One day at a time", you say to me.
But a day is too long, this cannot be.
As I look at you now, where you are,
You are so close, yet so far,
But if you let me to,
Find a way for me and you,
We could be one, and not
Two worlds... and us two.

Now, I need a guiding light,
I can only see your fainting halo,
But my pleasure, delightfully chaotic,
Is not to find another way to go.
(...)
(...)

"This is our time", you will say to me.
Our days together, we can finally be.
As we look at us now, where we are,
You can be this close, and never far,
And when you let me go,
Find a way for our love to show,
We now are one, never again
Two worlds... and us two."

- in "Two worlds... and us two", after a sandwich lunch

Give up

"I gave up on sleeping when I was 19,
There was too much to be done,
I didn't do it right away,
I lost myself along the way,
But I came home.
But I found home.

I gave up on you way too soon
You never knew how I felt,
I felt I had gone astray,
I found myself along the way,
But I stayed home.
Left you alone.

I gave up on us...
Too soon, I now see.
Don't give up...
Don't give up on me."

- by Hyug Badox, in "Give Up"

You make the cold night beautiful

"It is but a moment while our eyes meet,
Had it been (for) a second, all would have been revealed,
I look up, you look elsewhere,
This was not supposed to happen
The hunger is there, we become aware
All in a second's fraction.

It'll be but a lifetime until we meet again,
Had it been tomorrow, it would have been too late,
For I can't do without you,
It is all is bound to happen,
This new feeling we share, we dare
To call it more than attraction.

And as the day ends,
We stay as mere friends.
And then, you turn back,
You kiss me goodnight once more,
And, just like that,
You make the cold night beautiful."

- by Hyug Badox, in "You make the cold night beautiful"

Fishermen's bay

Dwelling in a social media platform, I stumbled upon a photo of a woman, a singer, slightly older than I am but who also - as myself, I say - looks quite younger and youthful than what the ID card may surely accuse.

Leaning from the tiny wall above the beach, we exchanged simple comments, but those which reveal that our separate experiences there go beyond the bay itself... and experiences are just that and as much as that, so much more than mere visual captures, so much more than instant photos taken by our eyes and minds.

I immediately wrote down the adjectives we employed and the rest became obvious.

"As I read your ever young girl lips...
The flowery balconies sway,
The coloured houses stay.

To the rhythm of uncompromised steps...
Through sunny alleys and narrow streets,
Our eyes and paths never meet.

Not even the cement peer changes it...
You're at home here, kept at bay,
You're just there, (yet) just too far away.

Everyone's a tourist here, always...
The accordion sound new to the young and old,
While the anchored boats conceal stories untold.

I look back at the Grand Hotel...
I can't see the village behind,
Nor the one I'm looking to find.

To the right, the fort hides the ocean...
But the merry-go-round song is still there,
Eager to fly anyone anywhere.

Still we like it here...
For each breeze that passes us by,
Fills each one of us, still alone, in our own time."

- in "Fishermen's bay", by Hyug Badox


Quotes:
Post: Varandas floridas, fachadas coloridas e as ruas apertadinhas que me levam até à Baía dos Pescadores. Gosto da energia deste lugar.
Comm3: É isso mesmo... encapsulada entre o cais de cimento que fecha a praia, o mercado que surge/nasce na calçada, o Hotel Baía que esconde Cascais e o Forte que não deixa ver o oceano, porque é que gostamos da Praia dos Pescadores? Não sei, mas gostamos.
Comm6: Já para não falar no carrossel que nos embala a caminho da Baía, nas pedaladas das gaivotas contornando os barquinhos dos pescadores, nas vozes roucas com cheirinho a Bossa Nova acompanhadas das suas guitarras espalhadas pelas ruas soalheiras, no acordião que acompanha a nossos petiscos e nos traz a Amelie até Cascais.

Settlements

Going back into one's dreams, so much can surface.
Accepting settlements made may not be easy.

"Embracing you is my denial...
And I would do it more often,
If you we mine.

Silence is my punishment...
Could I ever write you a poem,
Words of mine?

Will ever a surrender occur?
Or a love whisper or murmur?
I know not ever...
Your word is your trade
Speaking of which,
All the settlements were long made.

Departing is a settlement...
Wish I wouldn't leave this often,
And you were mine."

- in "Settlements", by Hyug Badox

Script XXII

More often than not, people see things happening is a diverse perspective, even if they are as close to each other as possible.

More often than not, issues observed at such close distance are never discussed... what could there be to discuss? Years come and go and we realise how diverse those points of view always were.

In a very good/positive way, I learned about that today.
Typing. Ain't that something?



I like going to sleep feeling like this.

"Days were full... they took so long.
Years were empty... they went so fast.
Or was my mind elsewhere?
Or were you just not there?

On the first, as expected, all was new.
But you had to leave.
You left me there,
And gone somewhere.

On the eighth, my words failed me.
Suddenly, I had to leave.
I stood there,
Couldn't move anywhere.

As I began to count, days became years...

To this day, I never knew we could make amends.
Now, still not knowing, I like the odds."

- by Hyug Badox, just now.

What will ever be

Teenagers have flirts, crushes, passions... but, once in a while, they feel that their relationship may be deeper than that, although they may be too young and immature.

More often than not, it all ends.
Bitterly and unexpectedly.

But the memory of an intense feeling remains clear... and also a number of deeply felt and intense moments, when hearts galloped like never before. And yet, they were nothing but kisses in the rain, now long gone.



"With one distant warm grin,
You show me (that) you also know,
There's no 'what could have been',
The good remains... the bad, not so.

It's only faint,
It is long gone,
That feeling of sudden loss,
The day you were there no more.
In brief innocuous words,
We will never admit... the tears cried.
Us two will never show,
What once was... our love denied.

I try not to think of it,
For now, (it's) only good to know,
You're doin' ok...
That's what I see, what you show.

(An) awake of the senses,
I cannot forfeit,
All this a natural, perhaps eternal,
Bitter-sweet taste in my mouth.
And as it was beginning to grow,
It'll end... unless we otherwise decide.
Looking back, we'll never know,
What will ever be... our love denied."

      - in "What Will Ever Be", by Hyug Badox

Absent but not away

It's a cliché, isn't it?

But that's the best way for me to put it... these past few days have given me jolts of enthusiasm and motivation; am I indulging myself?

You be the judge.
Don't let it be mediocre... help me out.

"I have been absent but not away,
I'm back home, problems kept at bay,
I felt your presence,
But not now,
But not now.

Colouring my ignorance with dreams,
Now at large, free thoughts and schemes,
(They) become the quintessence,
Of me now,
And how.

In a state of constant numbness,
All is a blur,
All that occur.

I can't stay and wait in line,
I feel chilled shivers down my spine,
Time is of the essence,
Time is now...
Time is now."

      - in "Absent but not away", by Hyug Badox

Once old, now new

I've rediscovered old and new friends.
They've rediscovered me... and I'm rediscovering myself through them.



I'm in a creative process, a spiral of words which I believe make sense without being banal or shallow. This is getting closer to what it is supposed to be.
I'm still learning.
More and more.

Only two lines of this are meant for someone.
The rest is fiction.

"There and then, there was no time,
It seemed all but (...)
As ever, near to strangers.
Never... a 'you and me'.
I was running too fast for anything,
We were both there but it meant nothing.

There and then, there was no option,
It couldn't have gone differently.
For so long, strangers.
For too long... maybe.
You were the cute girl I never got to know,
I was not shy, but you made me so.

None of it was wrong...
We are now where we belong.
It was, it is...
Once old, now new.

There and then, it had to be,
Something less, (...)
Still I wonder, 'what if?'
Yet I wander, in slumber.
All the years have gone, still here we are,
Weighting options, not accepting sub-par.

It couldn't have gone wrong...
Had we known where we belong.
It was, still is...
Once old, now new.

It's not about me or you.
Only about time,
Only about all this time... gone by.

None of it was wrong...
We are now where we belong.
It was, it is...
Once old, now new."

      - in "Once old, now new", written in 30 minutes.

P.S.: I know I have to fill in the blanks.

Unnatural

A long time ago, I was extremely into conceptual and digital music, especially of Vangelis, Jean-Michel Jarre, Kraftwerk and Mike Oldfield... albums like "Albedo 0.39", "Tubular Bells", "Les Chants Magnetiques" (the English title would suggest "Champs", not "Chants"), "Chariots of Fire", "Trans-Europe Express", "Revolutions" or "The Friends Of Mr Cairo" will be forever in my ear and mind.



When I developed the interest of guitar-oriented music, that seed developed and I became especially interested in instrumental songs, such as Steve Vai's "Touching Tongues" or "For The Love of God", Joe Satriani's "Always With Me, Always With You" or "Rubina's Blue Sky Happiness", Eric Johnson's "Manhattan" or "Cliffs of Dover" and even Edward Van Halen's solo moments like "Baluchiterium" or "Neworld" (thought I'd write "Eruption", hey?)...

A third coming happened when I was introduced to chill-out music, especially the work of Zero 7 and Air... these artist stayed true to their origins while pushing the limits and breaking new boundaries.

Going back to the conceptual and (...), I've had thoughts and dreams about absolutely nonsensical events, but considering that we're only absolutely free in our mind, I can draw what I call "strings of coherence" in them and, ultimately, some strange and unrreal/surreal strings of words come out.

This one's just that.
I have the "strings of coherence" present.

"A distinct feeling takes over with the fading light,
A monochrome snapshot, not black nor white,
Colours dreamed in the mind I dwell (on),
"I loved you then, my Michele!"
Words I expel.

It grows on me like a sunset shadow, in the twilight,
There's an empathic struggle before the night,
And the numb feeling draws my prison cell,
There's comfort...
I'm unwell.

There might even not be any words to say or write,
A different story is to be said tonight,
The heat felt... a scent to smell,
This is all real...
(The) shotgun shell ('au natural').

The message is not whole,
Felt, known, lived...
Unnatural.

Only when a sunflower escapes from the sunlight,
There and then, a mercenary forfeits a fight,
This void has no parallel.
It is all unreal...
Not natural.

These words are no parable,
Uttered, perceived...
Unnatural."

      - in "Unnatural", since April 'til today.

Sum Veritas

Jesus Christ said, more than once: "Ergo sum veritas" or simply "Sum veritas".
This means: "I am the truth".

And this is what one has to be; a vehicle of truth, of undoubted concepts and ideas, for our own sake. We have to seek the truth and be able to speak it out loud.

The other option is to stay quiet.

Do you want to take this option?
You can go the easy way and lie.
Actually, that's also an option many decide to take by not deciding otherwise.

There are all kinds of questions to answer when the simple and bare truth is not the option taken.

"(You) don't have to be on your bended knees,
It's not like you're begging for mercy,
Or for your life...
Raise... (and move on...)
Stay...
I want to see your real self.

Let's drink the wine, taste the food,
Let's share intimate thoughts,
Don't take me for granted...
Praise... (can I rely on you?)
Pray...
Show me your real self.

Then you'll know if I want more.
Then you'll know if you want more.
But until then...

Let's hold hands, if it means anything,
Let's go our different paths, if we must,
And make it meaningful...
Chase... (even if I'm gone...)
Astray...
True to our true selves.

Then you'll know if this is more.
Then you'll know if this is for sure.
And there and then...

Words and thoughts as a true sanctuary,
Ever since first battles fought.
The truth is to clarify, to dignify,
What is and what is not.
Only by it you can be freed,
Only then it'll be worth your while.

Even if only for a moment,
Speak like you could also say:
'I am the truth!'."

      - in "Sum Veritas, by Hyug Badox

Some aftermath

Allow yourself a moment to think.



My thoughts go 20 years back. A vivid memory of standing at the door of a building where I don't live but often visit... it's cold, not raining, and someone crosses the street in sleepers. I look right and see the mother observing, as I am... then, I walk in.

"I live the life I want, no regrets.
Would I change the past?
Certainly.

I lead the life I have, in fact.
Will I make it last?
Indefinitely.

But how can I go on?
There are ghosts all around.
But how can I move on?
You're nowhere to be found."

      - in "Some Aftermath", just now.


After things happen, what do you do ?
Act ?... Think ?...

Dream harder

In terms of future plans, there must be space for dreaming, for daydreaming, for a lot of different and diverse synapses...

When you close your eyes, what do you see?
How good of a daydreamer are you?
Do your thoughts touch reality?
Are they dreams? Or plans?



"It's fair to say that you're dreaming...
What you say is clearly unreal.
A fracture...
Unsung, newly found.

In need to go further...
And to dream harder.

That is to say that after this, there's nothing...
I'm sadly giving you up...
A departure...
If nowhere else, home-bound.

One dream, like a tornado,
Will now touch the ground."

      - in "Dream Harder", by Hyug Badox

Better bitter

Some carry the world on their shoulders.
Some paint a pink world with themselves in it.
Most are somewhere in between.



More often than not, loneliness keeps them all thinking.

"Once more...
Not sure...
With her eyes almost closed,
She recalls a few words to say.
No one around... a diary to confide to,
After the long lonely day.

Wanted more...
What for?
No more cold feet nights,
(Or an) empty bed as the day breaks
She could take all the pain,
All the heartaches.

Ignored.
Now, unlike ever before...

(She) had hoped for nothing... worse or better.
She didn't know the taste of bitter."

      - in "Better/bitter", by Hyug Badox

Bridge the distance

There's constantly a gap in between where you are and where you want to be.



What are you going to do to overcome it?

"It's not to say that one is afraid...
One only denies inner fears and ponders...
What's next?
What now?
A metaphorical speech leading,
Into a spontaneous becoming,

It's not to say that one is here to stay...
One only tries to bridge the distance to another...
Stretching,
Pushing,
Wishing to be elsewhere,
Longing to be there.

In between promises of eternal love...
In between safe jobs...
Or, like this...
In between zero and one."

      - in "Bridge The Distance", yesterday.