Confide

Other people's feelings usually do not cause an impact on me.
The world is so full of experiences, existences, etc., that I end up accepting that I haven't seen much of it, or much of its people and emotions.

That is not the case when I know someone who has been through an traumatic experience.
In this situation, it's almost like I naturally borrow the feeling (or, at least, my interpretation of it), I hurt, I ache.

"Inside a silence filled with words,
Hollowness grows.
And though they are two,
Only one knows.

Less dramatic than traumatic,
A voice feels lost.
It's sudden, almost automatic,
An awareness unlike most.

It's only me,
Lost in a whirlwind,
I don't need to hide.
It used to be you,
One of very few,
In whom I (used to) confide.

And even if I smile,
While I mention the pain.
After a while,
It just pounds my brain.

The indifference you wore,
Should never be there.
I have been here before,
I should be aware.

It's only me,
Lost in a cloud,
I don't need to hide.
It used to be us,
Laughing out loud,
In whom we (both) confide.

[ musical interlude ]

And every now and then,
My pillow and I alone know what I feel...
And I don't know how or when,
I look for no one as I hurt and heal...
And to my own surprise,
I hope my face does not reveal, 
That as I close my teary eyes,
I feel the pain... unreal, surreal..."

- in "Confide", after listening to a familiar voice showing 5 different emotions in 5 different smiles

Don't Look Back Twice

Think twice.
But don’t look back.

Weight your decisions.
But don’t spend time thinking what could have been.
Maybe you can gain something by looking back once, but don’t look back twice. Just go.

“As the distance becomes closer,
You know where I am.
You choose to remain silent. Absent.

As the light grows dimmer,
I know where I stand.
I choose to remain still. But not distant.”

– in “Don’t Look Back Twice“

Silhouette

“In the heart of town, eyes closed...
The scattered distant clouds match my scattered distant thoughts.

I turn to look, and you’re still there...
This bliss needs not a word, needs no sound other than that of nature.

Against the sunset light, your silhouette...

And my heart just skips a beat, as I lay my head on the green grass ground.”

– in “Silhouette“

Coraticum

“I’ve walked for so long, so long I don’t know.
I’ve left the (car and the) world behind, so far behind my shadow.

(But) I walked this much to listen to the river’s murmur,
I’ve walked with no hesitation, I fled…
I walked to freeze my own thoughts and felt warmer,
Listening to the music in my head…

And while the suns finally seems to grace my path,
It also battles the mist of the freezing river,
Frozen inside my gloves, my scarf, my hood, my clothes,
Frozen tears from the journey never made me shiver…

(Coraticum… coraticum!)
It takes courage to defy the probable outcome.
It takes wisdom to define the moment for that to come.

As light softens, a shadow reveals…
What one often shows, the other conceals…
They’re either gentle, or sincere… (and I can’t deny)
My preference, I can’t decide.

(…)
(…)
Nevertheless, I suspect…
Without them, I will not live.”

– in “Coraticum“, the latin word for “courage”.

I found a definition of “courage” today, in Portuguese.
Its origin/etymology is perfect.

Coraticum, definition
These lyrics began to be writen after I read some original words by Ana Bacalhau:

“A luz amacia, a sombra revela. Uma é gentil, a outra, sincera. Qual delas prefiro, não sei. Mas desconfio que sem elas não viverei.”

They grew after talking with Rui Costa on the phone in late December, and also a post of his in early January:

“Andei tanto, a viatura está longe, mas andei, andei, andei sem hesitar para escutar o “barulho” disto, para congelar os meus pensamentos e a música que escuto constantemente na cabeça, o problema é que apesar das luvas, gorro, cachecol… também eu estou congelado, apesar da longa caminhada, as minhas lágrimas também congelaram pelo caminho, mas o sol está finalmente a entrar nesta zona e está a entrar numa batalha com o “fumo” destas águas geladas!“

You don't know it's a dream

Dreams are dissociated with reality but, sometimes, they touch reality with the tiniest details that cause you enough doubt to think "didn't that really happen?" or feel "this was sooooo real!" just after you wake up.

"You don't know it's a dream, as I enter the room.
It's not just as it seems, I think, I presume.
As I take my seat,
I don't know it either,
We both feel the heat,
A desire that won't wither.

Someone's there, and I look away.
You get distracted, distressed, astray.
As I return to the room I've left,
You're nowhere to be found.
My mind, in absolute unrest,
Finds you, somehow.

With a fainting strength I can't command (absence of control),
Your hands, trembling... your face, unseamed.
As I stretch my arm and give you my hand (and my all),
You don't know it's a dream."

- in "You Don't Know It's a Dream", written in the middle of the night

Together Alone

These days, we need to cultivate distance. Physical distance to the ones we love, the ones we care about, the ones who makes us happy, the ones who makes us laugh.
The world is a strange place to be in now.

"I could see you everyday, but now's not the time to.
I won't push you away, but it feels like so.
But you can't cope with distance... like an obsession.
Now that we drift apart... you seem to question.

You don't think of the future, everything is now.
But this separation will pay off in the long run.
Yet you don't seem to care... in your own reason,
It's just another day under the sun.

This world is a strange place to be in today.
Our words can't express what our eyes say.
Your smile in my mind is the inspiration I look for,
It's more than nothing... so much more.

No matter the distance, together or alone,
In you, the strength my souls feeds on,
As time slowly passes, we begin to grasp...
The herculean mission we will take upon."

- in "Together Alone", a friends' challenge, after a video call.

Within Me

Talking about life with a friend a couple of weeks ago, about life, about loneliness (self imposed or not), relationships, and also that feeling of helpless anger regarding world politics solely based on the economy and with little to no respect for nature and the human kind itself.
Then, the coronavirus situation takes over... and it becomes almost too easy to draw a parallel.

"It's so late that it's early morning...
Thoughts flood my troubled mind.
I know I'm here by my own decision,
Peace is what I can't seem to find.
And I stay...
Still astray.

It's not my fate to find no destiny...
I have no faith other than in myself.
I know I lose myself alone in thoughts,
But I don't find company in no one else.
And I stay...
Far and away.

I won't tread new fields... (for now)
I'm confined to these 4 walls, you see.
Unrevealed, concealed (somehow)
Inside my own prison, within me.

It's the time to silently plan and act...
For there is much to prepare for.
I know I won't waste time with anger,
As I feel the urge to enter that stage door.
Unlike today...
I won't stay .

I won't tread new fields... (for now)
I'm confined to these 4 walls, you see.
Unrevealed, concealed (somehow)
Inside my own prison, within me.

After the storm goes away...
When reason prevails...

I will tread new fields... (that day)
I'll break free of these walls, you see.
Revealed, once free (someday)
Outside in the open, as ever within me."

- in "Within Me", a double-entendre composition

Missed Moments

Imagine two people who crossed paths on a corridor.

They briefly glanced and smiled, exchanging some sort of cordial “how do you do” words, the only words they had ever said to each other before.

As they moved away, she added a soft “have a good weekend” which left him speechless, barely being able utter a quick and shy “likewise” in response, while his thoughts had long been to go beyond the small talk, to know her.

“I couldn’t say that I’ve missed you,
Or even lost you, for that matter,
As we are near to perfect strangers,
But my thoughts seem to scatter…
I turned back, for no apparent reason,
No preconceived outcomes, no aftermaths.
Maybe I was trying to run into you,
Hoping we might cross paths.

As time progresses, I know
What I’ve left behind, undone.
I wonder if it will (ever) show
(How) missed moments feel like a “hit and run”.

Inner screams now pound my brain
With slang and profane aplenty
Though I know it’s all in vain,
My simple problem is one too many.
No great harm will come out of this,
A hesitation, a mere mind lapse.
From the quietness of the void,
An urge will all but colapse.

We will cross paths again, I know
I can only hope you won’t be on the run.
Walk slowly to me, and make it show
(Those) missed moments have something going for someone.“

– in “Missed Moments“, a guitar riff with words, in the middle of the night, published a month after the idea was born